It's hard to talk and mean what I say. I can never quite get it out. When I do say exactly what I mean, it's when i'm in the shower and can't write it down.
This thing shuts down my mind, whatever it is. It's powerful and makes me forget. It makes me shake; it makes me excited.
Lately I've been having a hard time seperating what is real from what is not. Influences in my life are pedantic; therefore i am without certainty.
The part of me that is free from all of this wants to move on and leave. It wants to run away from here and never look back. The other part is befuddled over all the problems life has to offer.
This is exactly how I feel right now (not that it's right, it's just what i feel): I want to slowly rip apart someone I don't even know. I want to tell someone in person how I feel about them without interuption and with complete acceptance. I want so badly to be happy, but no matter what I think of, it takes me back to a time when I was in fact happy which in turn makes me depressed.
Today I did something stupid. I don't like that I did it and i'm not sure why I did it. It scares me that I did it. I know I don't want to do it again. At the time, it felt so good and for a moment, I knew exactly what they had all been talking about. When I tried to tell them they were stupid, I was mistaken. They had a reason, it was just something I couldn't have heard no matter how hard I listened.
Nothing since has felt right. Moving on is good, I just wasn't prepared to be lied to about that.
Perhaps it's me. I've tried to be nice and caring. I will always be there...maybe I shouldnt. Perhaps if I were mean and was a complete ass who would never be there, maybe that would work.
I HATE WHAT IS GOING ON AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT
I know,
but I can't stop trying because
then I will have certainly failed. | 
